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Weight Loss Is A Mindf***

***Please excuse the profanity in this post.***

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

I planned on waiting to write a post about my weight loss until I had a more exciting mile stone accomplished. I thought I would write when I was below 200 pounds, 100 pounds down, or had accomplished my goals. Something that was more impressive and would make me feel better about myself. This is just one reason why weight loss is a mindfuck. Why should I have to wait to share my journey until I reach some unwritten number that will all of a sudden have everyone be proud of me? Why does it matter what other people think of my weight loss anyway?

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

I have always been overweight. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t self-conscious about my weight. I have also always been an emotional eater. When I was upset, I turned to food and that created a vicious cycle of hating myself for being overweight and eating those feelings. I was always comparing myself to my skinny step-sisters and feeling down on myself for not looking like them. My dad told me he’d give me $100 if I could get to 100 pounds when I was 11 (I already weighed at least 150 pounds). I started getting pregnant jokes when I was 13. That same year I had someone put their hand against my stomach and make a sucking sound; when I asked what she was doing, she told me she was giving me liposuction. I lost about 30 pounds right around when I turned 14. I dropped down to 190 and was so proud of myself. At the time, I had been doing weekly weigh-ins with my doctor. I went in one week and they told me that it turned out their scale was broken and they weren’t positive that my last few weigh-ins had been accurate. I gained all the weight back and then some. I was at 260 pounds when I was 15. I felt huge, was constantly self conscious, and felt so abject. I didn’t know how to lose the weight, everything I had tried had failed.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

When I was 16, my dad suggested I do the HCG diet. I lost 30 pounds and got down to 230. Of course, I gained all of that weight back because that diet involves you injecting your stomach with pregnancy hormones and only eating 500 calories a day. You’re only allowed to do the diet for 30 days at a time and you’re not supposed to workout at all. It definitely wasn’t about healthy lifestyle change. Throughout my time at community college, I fluctuated between 240 and 260 pounds. I was so busy taking 20 credits and working 4 jobs, it really wasn’t possible for me to live a healthy lifestyle. When I moved to Olympia, when I was 18, I was able to start losing again. I was making positive health changes, but I was also living with a hyper critical roommate who I hid food from. In the Summer of 2013, I had my tonsils removed. The combination of the weight loss I had already achieved and not being able to eat for two weeks put me down to 211 pounds. I was extremely proud of myself, but shortly after that, I became a manager at the movie theater, a teacher’s assistant at the local elementary school and was taking 20 credits. I was working 65 hours a week and going to school full-time. Again, I didn’t have the time or energy to make a healthy lifestyle and my previous weight loss hadn’t been because of making healthy habits, it had been because I felt watched by my roommate. I gained all the weight back. By the time I moved to Montana, I was up to 270 pounds.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

Before I even started school in Montana, I was called a fatty by a guy driving an old beat up RV when I was biking home from the farmer’s market. I was so scared that people in Montana were going to judge me based off of my weight. It was my first time moving to a place where I knew no one. I didn’t think I was going to make friends easily, or be taken as seriously by my peers. For me, my weight has always been tied to this idea that I’m lazy and I don’t take care of myself. It’s what was drilled into me by society, the people around me, and even parts of my family. I have always thought that people’s first impressions of me would be negative because I am and always have been overweight. I’ve always thought that if I could just get below 200 pounds, everyone would like me more and think more highly of me. I’d be able to prove to my old dance instructors, the costumers at my theater productions, my family, and everyone around me that I am not lazy and that I do care what I look like. But that shouldn’t be the motivation for weight loss.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

When I left for Peace Corps, I was at 280 pounds. The summer before I left was one of my happiest because I finally stopped caring about weight loss and just ate all my favorite foods because I knew I was going to miss them when I got here. But the moment I arrived in Newark for our staging, I was filled with anger at myself, disappointment, and fear. I, yet again, had to make new first impressions with people I was going to be interacting with for 2 years and yet again, I hadn’t reached my goal of weight loss. I was going to be judged and isolated because I was fat and now I was also fat and surrounded by fit, active people.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

When I arrived in country, I was dead set on not eating gluten, dairy, or eggs. My host mom didn’t really know how to cook for that, so she made me the same meal over and over. I wasn’t a big fan of Setswana food, so food was no longer a comfort for me. I really was only eating about one meal a day during PST. It definitely wasn’t the healthiest option for weight loss, but it is what started my weight loss here. But I also didn’t feel as stressed as I had in the States. I felt more secure because I knew Peace Corps was paying me what I needed and taking care of any medical issues that might arise. I didn’t feel like I needed to be as in control of everything as I needed to to survive and live the life I wanted in the States. I finally felt safe, secure, and nearly anxiety free. By not being stressed and not stressing about weight loss, I was actually able to start losing.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

In our first week, before we even got to our host family houses, I had lost 7 pounds, two weeks later I was down 17 pounds and by the end of PST in October, I was down 33 pounds. When I moved to my site in mid October, I started cooking for myself, was eating much better, walking much more, and drinking much more water. I kept losing weight. By the time I was evicted, I was at 225 pounds, 55 pounds down. Then I was evicted and no longer felt secure. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was stressed, and I was in Gabs, so I had access to comfort foods. I didn’t gain weight, but I stopped my steady loss. I plateaued and didn’t know how to get out of the plateau. Since I had so many other things to worry about, I tried to just stay happy that I wasn’t gaining, but deep down, I was mad at myself again. Why couldn’t I keep it going? Was I going to plateau here because this was about the smallest I was able to achieve in my adult life? What was I doing different that was making it so that I wasn’t losing anymore?

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

At that point, I started posting progress pics. I felt like I needed to motivate myself to keep losing weight and I needed that reassurance from other people that I had accomplished something already. I talked about my weight loss more, but only by saying I had lost weight and showing how I was physically getting smaller. I didn’t want to post about what I was doing to lose the weight or anything like that because weight loss is one of those things that everyone thinks they’re an expert on. They’ve read these articles that say you should do this. Or are you sure you’re being healthy? That one is my least favorite. You can’t win because you’re either unhealthy because you’re fat, or you’re unhealthy because you’re losing weight too fast. For some reason, weight loss is an area where everyone feels it’s OK to comment and to tell you how to do it or that you’re doing it wrong. I did open myself up to that by posting progress pics and luckily most people I know are very supportive, but it’s still hard to hear the comments about how I was beautiful before or I didn’t need to lose weight. When you start losing weight, these comments come out, but when you’re overweight, no one says you’re beautiful and you don’t need to lose weight.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

I did occasionally have people tell me that I was a good role model for young girls because I was confident despite the fact that I was overweight. I wanted to be that role model, but in all honesty, that confidence was a facade. It did make me think twice about trying to lose weight though. Isn’t trying to lose weight buckling to the societal pressure to be a skinny size 2? Aren’t I working against body positivity by trying to lose weight?

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

I was in a weight loss plateau for 4 months. Those 4 months were some of the hardest because I felt like I failed… again. Yet again, I started to lose weight, but didn’t manage to lose it all. Why can’t I ever finish this battle? The answer is that I will never finish. Weight loss, healthy living, and body positivity will always be a part of my life. I may get to a healthy weight and stop thinking about the next pound I need to lose, but I will always have to be working toward a healthy lifestyle. It’s not something I’ll ever be able to turn off because I will likely just add weight back on. And it is OK that this battle will never end as long as it isn’t obsessive.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

Lately, I’ve felt obsessive. I’ve started exercising more, reducing my food again (not in a healthy way), and freaking out about every pound. I bought a scale when I moved to Kanye, whereas I had been using the clinic scale once a week in Ralekgetho. I started weighing myself everyday to track my progress and if the scale went up the tiniest bit, I would be down on myself. I know rationally that there are so many factors that make your weight fluctuate from day to day, but I stopped being kind to myself for that. I got obsessive and started thinking about what I did the day before that made that number go up. I’ve started to lose weight again, but am so worried about hitting another plateau that I stew and stress over it every day. I’ve started to look to when I can post the next progress pic so that I can get recognition from others that I’m doing good instead of posting them to show how proud I am of myself. I’ve been obsessing over the next mile stone that I can share with people instead of being present and happy with how far I’ve come.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

I’ve decided to make some changes. The first is to constantly remind myself that I am enough no matter what the scale reads. I am an amazing human being and I don’t need to let a number bleed into every opinion of myself. I am more than my insecurities. I’ve stashed my scale away in the closet and won’t be using it again until the beginning of June. It’s time to stop looking at the number on the scale and letting it dictate my life. I’m also going to stop thinking about the amount I eat, and instead look at what I am eating. I’ll eat if I’m hungry, but I’ll eat foods that will nourish my body, not my taste buds. I’m going to keep working out because I love that I’m getting stronger. I can do 25 full pushups in a row now, when it was hard to do just 5 two months ago. I won’t be posting progress pics to reach a certain number of likes, but instead because there’s something I’m really proud of that I’d like to share. I love to hear that I am inspiring people, but I want to make sure that they know that I’m human like everyone else and weight loss affects me psychologically as well as physically. It’s time I take a little step back, but also a little more control and stop letting weight loss be such a mindfuck. Instead of focusing on weight loss, it’s time to focus on healthy living.

Weight loss is a mindfuck.

What I’ve Gained So Far

Seven months ago, I wrote a blog post in a sleepy stupor of the things I felt I was losing being here. I talked about how I felt like I was losing valuable parts of my identity and I wasn’t sure at the time what I was gaining, or how to cope with that. That was very valid at the time and having only been here two months, I understand where my head was at, but I’ve been here nine months now and I feel very differently. So I wanted to write a post about the things that I feel like I have gained.

The biggest thing is knowledge of myself. I would have never known how resilient I am if it weren’t for this experience. I have had many very bad days with the death of my friend, being evicted, family drama, and other crazy experiences, but I have barely wavered in my conviction to stay here. I knew I could handle a lot, but I didn’t know the full extent of that. Not that I actually know the full extent of it now, but I definitely have a broader picture of it. This also is not saying that I handle all situations perfectly and without throwing my version of a hissy fit, but I still handle the situations in some way and that’s resilience.

I also never realized how introverted I really am. I think that introversion has acquired this negative connotation that it is equal to being asocial and a loner. I was always so busy in the states that I could equate my moods to being stressed, anxious, and overworked, but here I’ve discovered that there are just times that I need to be alone and have control of my own space. It refuels me and re-balances me. Of course, you all know that I am a very social person and that hasn’t changed. I just need to take more time for myself than I’ve ever allowed before. I always thought I would hate living alone, but I love it. Not sure how I am going to go back to co-habitating.

I’m also learning to cut myself more slack and stop being so self-critical. I’m learning to trust myself and not dwell on and over think everything. Notice that I use the present tense here. I’m still learning things. It’s not in my nature to let myself off easy.

I’m learning more about my passions and what I really want to spend my time doing. Yes, sometimes that is binge watching Veronica Mars in a week and then wallowing because I finished it and there isn’t more to watch. But sometimes it’s working on an idea for a novel, helping students who are oppressed for a part of their identity, learning to play the harmonica, challenging myself with crazy puzzle challenges, exercising, teaching myself French, or cooking awesome meals. I was always so busy in the states that I never took time to do many things that were for me; everything was about school, work, or the people around me. There are also things that I’ve realized I want to start doing with my time, but don’t have the resources for yet. I have the green light to use the schools ceramics wheel and kiln, I just have to figure out a time I can go in to do that. I am also trying to see if I can use the school sewing machines to alter my clothes and get more creative with that. I have all these clothes that are too big now and I need to find a way to keep them useful.

Budgeting has never been a strong suit of mine, but I’ve been kind of forced to get better with that since I make so little. So that’s a great skill to acquire.

I’ve also acquired a lot more confidence. A big part of that is because I have lost 65 pounds. I hate that my confidence and self-worth has been tied to that, but when you are bullied and ridiculed you’re entire life for something and then you start to find a way to get rid of that offending part of yourself, it’s a big confidence booster. I honestly can look at a picture of myself from before I got here and see that I was beautiful the way I was, but also be really glad that I’m no longer there. I could go on about my weight loss for a whole blog post, and honestly probably will in the near future, but that isn’t what this one is about.

In America, I was a total night owl and usually didn’t even get into bed until 10 or 11 pm. Here, I have to force myself to stay up. It’s 5:30 here and all I’ve wanted to do for the last hour and half was to get into bed. Honestly, as soon I am finished writing this, that’s where I’m headed. Most of the time I just lay there for four or five hours because I have intense insomnia, but hey, there’s still something nice about getting into bed before it’s even dark out.

I’ve also always been terrible about keeping a routine. Even something as simple as brushing my teeth was a challenge. I was the type to just wake up and leave, no need to spend time getting ready. I’ve always wanted to be better about routines though and luckily, I’ve been managing those very well here. My dentist will be proud. 😉

I never thought that I would enjoy teaching. I’ve always been told that I would be a good teacher, but have revolted against that because I’ve felt like I could do many great things and teaching isn’t my passion. I fully respect teachers and have many friends who are teachers or going into teaching, but I also feel like teaching is one of the professions that women are often pushed into. Anyway, I’m not interested in teaching grade school, but I have been considering becoming a professor (not until I’m like 50 or 60 and have traveled the world and worked for amazing organizations like the U.N.). I also wasn’t sure that I would enjoy teaching since I have massive stage fright. I’ve discovered that I really do enjoy it, though. My classes are going really well and I’m happy to have this experience.

Honestly, I think I’ve gained a lot more than this, but it just got dark outside and my bed is calling my name. So that’s all I’ll say for now. Thanks for reading!

P.S. I’m super proud of the fact that this is three weeks in a row of actual blogging. I think I can keep this up 🙂

What I Wish I Had Known (Part 2): Cultural and Societal Differences

Alright, here is the next installment of my info for new volunteers blog posts! (if you missed the last installment you can read it here.) I stabbed my thumb with a skewer stick when I was cooking tonight, so this is a painfully typed post, but I’m determined to get it out no later than a week after my last blog post! I’m going to start this one off by giving you the same disclaimer: these are my experiences and perspectives and don’t represent the views of the U.S. Peace Corps, U.S. government, or the bots government. They also may be different from many other volunteers viewpoints and could be very different from what you may experience here. I am in no way an expert on Botswana, this is just how I have experienced my 9 months here so far.

I guess I should also kind of explain what I mean by culture. In this post, I’m looking at culture as how identity is perceived and reacted to. The societal norms that affect the way a person lives. Many aspects of my identity are not the norm here or very accepted. I’m using my identity as a reference point, so this post does get more personal. I honestly believe that I live a better life by being open about my identity. I’m not willing to oppress myself by hiding who I am to make someone else more comfortable. That being said, my intent in this post is to be informative of Botswana culture, not make you uncomfortable.

So, what should we tackle first?

Religion:
Religion here is very prominent. Most people are Christian and every meeting and assembly starts with a prayer. I am not a religious person. If anything, I consider myself pagan, but I don’t typically share that with a lot of people. I do have a tattoo on my back that says pagan, and people have read that here and not known what it meant. I am constantly asked by my students and other batswana (people of Botswana) whether I’m a religious person. That pretty much means, ‘are you a Christian?’ here. I say that religion is a more private and personal thing in the States and I don’t like to talk about it much, but I’m not a religious person. This usually leads to exclamations or more questions that I basically just brush off. I also get a lot of questions about my tattoos. There have been people who have said that tattoos are linked to satanism and witch craft here. Since my tattoos are pretty mellow, I am less connected with witch craft than some, but I have been asked if I believe in it.

Age:
Youth here is defined as people between the ages of 19 and 35. What does that tell you? You’re not an adult until you’re 35. So, as a 22 year old, I receive far less respect here than I did as a 20 year old grad student in the States. I was proud of my age and would boast about it in the US, but here, I can count the number of people I’ve told my age to on one hand. I do often get asked how old I am, and just simply reply that it’s rude to ask someone how old they are in the States. That’s what my grandma always taught me! “Never ask a woman how old she is.” As the feminist that I am, I take that to mean never ask anyone how old they are. I do tell my students that I began college when I was 16 when I talk about what my high school experience was like in the States. So there is a lot of gossip going around the school about how old I must be, but I just let the gossip run free without confirming theories.

Language:
The national language here is English and most jobs require that you speak English. Students and teachers in senior secondary schools are supposed to use only English (except for their Setswana courses) and primary and junior secondary are also supposed to be taught only in English besides the Setswana courses. All exams are given in English, which is part of why pass rates here are quite low. The amount of English spoken can also depend on how big the village is. In my old village, very few people spoke English and I attribute a lot of that to the level of education in the village. Not many people who stay in the smaller villages are extremely educated. So, now that I am in a large bustling village, there is a lot more English spoken. One of the reasons we are in schools is to help with pass rates and a huge part of that is helping with English. In my school, there are teachers from other countries working here as well, so Setswana is not supposed to be widely used. Of course, since it is the mother tongue of so many, that really doesn’t stop it’s use. We have an English only rule in my classes, but the students still constantly whisper in Setswana. I’ll be sitting in my office and my counterparts will be talking across me in Setswana and then not understand why I didn’t know what they were talking about. I don’t have anything against the language and I do see how being fluent could help me, but Setswana is not an easy language to learn. To top that off, I’m a visual learner and there are no workbooks or tools for me to use. Their dictionaries don’t even work for conversational Setswana. So for me to learn Setswana as well as I would need to to understand what I currently don’t would be quite an endeavor and I probably wouldn’t even see the fruits of my labor until I was nearly done with my service. Don’t get me wrong, I can greet people, start a conversation, and even understand quite a bit, I just don’t see a lot of reason to learn more. I’m here to help people with English and it will benefit my students more to hear me speak English than to fumble with Setswana.

Gender:
I feel almost as if I went back in time to the 50’s when I moved here. Women are expected to keep house, do all the chores, raise the children, wear dresses and skirts to work, respect men, and be submissive. People are extremely surprised that I don’t have children already and that I am not married (although, that’s less shocking than the lack of procreation on my part). Bride price is still the custom here, so children often come before marriage since many people cannot afford the bride price. My experience as a woman here is relatively different than most local women because I am white. I get a lot more street harassment than my site mate who has a darker skin tone than me. It seems that being curvier also warrants me more harassment here. When I first arrived, I was more often called fat than anything else, but since losing 65 pounds, I’ve acquired a lot more sexual harassment. I’m still not at a weight that would likely lead to catcalling in the States, but I definitely get it here. I also get a lot of shock from people when they find out that I live alone, that I came here alone, that I drink any hard alcohol, that I am not looking to get married, that I don’t think I want kids, etc… Women have a very small box here that they are supposed to fit into. It brings me a lot of happiness to break some of those norms though.

Race and socioeconomic status:
I wouldn’t normally tie these together, but here it’s expected that I’m rich because I’m white. As a white person, people constantly ask me to set them up with white people, ask me for money, and ask me to take them back to the States with me. I even have students who will ask me for money as I am walking by them on the way to a class. I’ve had people follow me asking me for money for blocks. There is also a stereotype here that white people are inherently smarter than black people. Apparently this started because the white people came to colonize Africa and those white people were educated and started to educate the Africans. So therefore white people must just naturally be smarter. It gives me a lot of joy to work on breaking that stereotype as well.
There are many different socioeconomic statuses here. Botswana is considered a middle income country. I don’t have a lot of information on this though because money and socioeconomic status is not as apparent here as it is in the States. I pretty much have just seen people asking me for money and people not, but that also doesn’t say much because I have seen people who are more well off than most ask me for money because it’s just assumed that I have more than everyone else.

Sexual Orientation:
Heterosexuality is really the only thing legal here. Even then any sex that is not penile vaginal sex is illegal. It is just assumed that people are heterosexual and if you aren’t, you don’t publicize that. I consider myself pansexual because I think that love is love and sex is sex. It doesn’t matter to me if you’re a woman, man, female, male, transgendered. If I love you and you love me or we mutually find each other sexually attractive, that’s all that matters. Would I share that with host country nationals? Absolutely not. If you were to ask me in the States, I would be completely open about it, but people here are almost hostile toward it. My students are bullied relentlessly by peers and even some teachers if they give off the smallest hint that they’re gay. Homosexuality and Bisexuality have been brought up in my classes and at least half the class acts disgusted by the idea that it is more accepted in the States. It kills me when a student comes to me to talk about being bullied for seeming gay. I hate that people have to fight for who they love.
This next bit of info veers from sexual orientation to more general info about sexual practices. Multiple concurrent partnerships are very common here. The government has a system of transferring people from one village to another quite often and with both partners working, that often means that families are separated, sometimes as far as a 20 hour travel from each other. Of course the women are caring for the children generally and quite busy, but they will sometimes still find time for affairs on the side and it is extremely common for men to have what are called little houses or side dishes. In other words, many men have mistresses. There are still some people who follow polygamist customs as well.

Diversity:
Diversity isn’t really widely respected here. Part of the reason the transferring system began was to mix up the different tribes to have the country united as one. Part of that was that they wanted conformity. I don’t think that you can ever truly have conformity in a large population of people, but they have managed to make their norms quite widely received. When issues of gender based violence, women’s rights, and even rape come up, it has been very commonly excused by culture. “Oh, it’s our culture and that isn’t going to change, so we just need to accept it.”

To conclude, there are many differing societal and cultural practices that can be challenging to adjust to. I have found that I have to be a little more private with my identity here. There are some things that I can’t hide and set me apart from people here, but there are some things that I don’t need to share. It’s OK to keep some things for myself because I just don’t need to add to the list of things I get far too much attention for. Of course, I’m looking at norms, so I’m making many generalizations and what I’ve said cannot be said to apply to every human living in Botswana. We have to recognize that there are outliers and people who believe differently. I am just trying to illustrate what I typically face as culture clashes and differences here. I know this was a long one, so as always, thanks for reading!

Bad At Blogging

I’m sitting at my computer on the dining room table, finally blogging again. God, it feels nice to have a real keyboard under my fingers instead of my tiny iPhone screen. You’d think that I would have gotten better about blogging as soon as I had my WiFi installed and could go back to using my computer, but no, I’ve still sucked at blogging for the past month. But don’t worry, that’s all about to change. You may be asking me, “But Joiwyn, you’ve said this before. How do we know this isn’t another false promise?” Well, loyal reader, it’s changing now because I’m starting to actually feel happy and stable (both physically and mentally) for the first time in many months and I feel strongly that I will be able to actually maintain a steady routine of blogging.

See, my life has been quite the roller coaster since my eviction. I thought things would immediately become more stable once I moved to Kanye, but, boy, was I wrong. When I moved to Kanye, I was so excited for the new start. I thought my school was going to be amazing because I was going to be able to apply my educational background and passions, I thought my house was going to be amazing because all of a sudden I went from no amenities to all of them, and I thought the village was going to be great because it’s filled with more educated people and English speakers. Of course, those things are great and are affluent here, but I didn’t think about the many possible downsides of all of that.

The school is great because I finally get to apply my background to my work here, but I went from a village where I was able to make my own projects and I had tons of counterpart support to a place where my job was already prescribed to me with no thought of whether that job would actually be good for me and my counterparts have a very sink or swim hands off attitude. I was very resistant to teaching at first because I don’t see that as a sustainable job for a PCV, but that is the main expectation my school has for me. It really wasn’t until this past week that I realized how fulfilling I actually find teaching and how this gave me a great platform to help the youth. I’m not saying I want to be a teacher when I get home (maybe a college professor, but no grade school please), but I do think it is a good fit for me where I am right now. I had to drop my resistance in order for me to actually realize my full potential in this job.

My house is amazing, but I am and always have been bad about setting limits for myself. So being in a great house with WiFi and electricity, I can get really caught up in watching Netflix or YouTube videos all day. I also have the ability to freeze ice cream which is never a good thing. I’m finding that I’m reading less and eating more because I have more amenities and that’s not what I want. But that isn’t the house’s fault and this gives me a great opportunity to learn to limit myself before I come home to unlimited possibilities and opportunities to mess up my routines in the States. So I’m back to being happy about my house.

The village is great, people are very friendly and there are many shops and places to walk. Unfortunately, that friendliness very often turns into harassment. I’m not used to street harassment or catcalling because it very rarely happened to me in the States. I attribute that both to where I lived and also to the fact that I have always been overweight and unless I was being called fat, I wasn’t really addressed by strangers on the street. I’m getting used to harassment and just finding ways to cope with it, but I still find it challenging. Having shops has also been a bit challenging (along with having a fridge) because my food budget has doubled. I love having more options, but I miss having savings. We’re getting a raise though! I’m about to be getting $250 a month instead of $200! I’m learning how to plan meals better though and budget myself as well. So those are both helpful challenges. I’m figuring adult life out, you guys!

Anyway, so I’ve had all these challenges and I’ve been looking at them negatively, but that’s changing! I don’t write much when I’m feeling depressed or just down. I just don’t feel inspired when I’m not feeling great. So, since I’ve been feeling down for a while now, I haven’t written a lot. I’m not down now, though, I’m on an upswing and I feel like this is going to be a long lasting upswing. So I am recommitting to blogging. I will be writing one a week (I hope my brother also recommits to posting them, but he’s a busy guy). So you should see one a week and if you don’t, blame Nick 😉 I’m sure there isn’t a soul reading this blog that cares how often I post, but I do. So I’m going to do it! I’m going to end this one here though because it’s dark out and the mosquitoes are swarming me like my family swarms the raspberry cream jello. Lots of love from Bots!

What I Wish I Had Known (Part 1)

I’ve been a little down the last couple of weeks, so I haven’t been good about blogging. Sorry! I know you probably don’t really care, but I said I was going to be better about it, so I care. This post is going to be a little long and as I started writing it, I realized it was going to be far too long. So it’s actually going to go out in installments. This first will be mostly about my job. The next will be about cultural differences and I’ll try to get it out in less than a week.

This series of posts is mostly aimed at the new trainees coming to Botswana in July/August. I promised them I would write a bit about what it’s like here, what I packed, etc. So, it’s aimed at them, but will also be pretty informative about what my life is like here for all you curious friends and family out there.

I’m going to get extremely real in this series of posts, so I just want to put a disclaimer that these are my perceptions and feelings toward my service currently. I do know many volunteers who agree with me on many points, but I really can only speak for myself and my one perspective out of the 120ish volunteers currently in country. I also want to make a point that this gives you an idea of what your service could sort of look like, but everyone has completely different services and faces many different challenges. So I don’t want you to read this and start building expectations that this is exactly what your service will look like. This is my service and no one else is going to have the exact same experiences as me. So here goes.

Here’s a look at my job, both what my job would have been in Ralekgetho and what my job is here in Kanye:
I’m what’s called a life skills volunteer in the Youth in Development sector. I’m in a unique situation because I’m going through a second community integration phase right now. While my fellow volunteers are really getting into their jobs, I’m still trying to figure out what my job is going to look like. That being said, because of my unique circumstances, I’m able to tell you about two very different Botswana experiences.

In Ralekgetho (my first village) I worked at a small primary school of only 160 students. That’s the smallest school I’ve heard of here. I refused to teach because I didn’t think that was sustainable or useful when what I’m here for is to help with HIV/AIDS work. The main thing we’re supposed to do in schools is help them to implement a curriculum called living or life skills. In the primary school level, it’s mostly about self awareness, self-esteem, and other basic mental and physical health topics. It really isn’t until standards 5-7, which are the last three grades at the primary level, that you go into more HIV related topics. A large issue we face here that the national language is considered English and so their standardized testing is done in English, but more often than not, the students are taught in Setswana and their English is not good enough to read the tests. This can lead to students failing out of school and falling into more risky behavior which can lead to HIV. So we are expected to help rectify this situation a bit.

So this is what I had planned for projects: I was going to start 3 English clubs, one for standards 1, 2, and 3, one for standards 4 and 5, and one for standards 6 and 7. I was also helping the health post in my village and they wanted to do monthly health talks for the community. So the standard 7 teacher and I had planned to teach the standard 7s a health topic and have them lead the health talks for the community. My tutor in the community wanted to start a girl guide troop and I have a lot of experience as a Girl Scout for 11 years, and the founder and leader of a large troop of 30 girls for 3 years, so I was going to help her with that. The community seemed a little disjointed from the school, so I was planning a monthly newsletter to share more of what was happening with the school and community as a whole. I was also planning monthly events to address vision issues in the school, oral hygiene, gender based violence, etc. I was also planning to fix up the school library, have library hours to talk to students, and start reading clubs.

I had a lot of plans and normally I wouldn’t try to start so many different projects, but I was really able to integrate in Ralekgetho and had many people who wanted to help with these projects. So I had a lot of hope that they would be sustainable and successful. Since I had to leave that village before I was able to begin anything, we really have no idea how successful I would have been. I’ve heard of volunteers who’ve had 20 or so ideas and not a single one was successful in their service. There are just too many factors involved to really know if something will take off. Ralekgetho was also one of the few sites that had never had a volunteer before. So I was really starting everything from scratch.

Kanye is very different. First off, I’m in a senior secondary school, so I’m working with form 4 and 5 students (11th and 12th grades). I am teaching, more like facilitating, 14 classes a week on guidance and living topics. So similar to the living curriculum for the primary school, just more in depth and we have a whole period to discuss the topics instead of just infusing it into other lessons. I also have office hours to work with students one on one for guidance and counseling. On top of that I am facilitating a club called teen talk and helping with the PACT (peer approach to counseling by teens) club. I’m also assisting a local man in starting a youth center. Besides the youth center, I am just filling in the shoes of the previous volunteer. I never really had interest in teaching, but my counterparts expected me to just do what the previous volunteer did. They had already made a schedule of my classes before I even moved here.

In Ralekgetho, I had all the control over my job and here I have no control. In the end, this job is going to be more applicable to my education and career pursuits, but is also less free and open for me to make my own path. In many ways, I feel like I am just acting as another guidance and counseling teacher. So I feel that this job is less sustainable than what I was doing in Ralekgetho. In Ralekgetho I had other teachers and counterparts who were equally as invested in the projects with me. Here, I am pretty much on my own with my projects. When I leave, what I’m currently doing is not going to continue. My teen talk club won’t continue, and my classes will most likely be dispersed amongst the other two teachers, but many times they don’t actually attend their own classes as is; other things seem to take priority. So the amount of teaching will also go down. It’s challenging to think that I won’t be making a real impact in the school, but hopefully I’ll be making a real impact with the students.

No matter what your work looks like here, you’ll have less control than you’ll be used to from American jobs; you just have to find the little things that can keep you going. For me, it’s knowing that I can be a positive influence to my kids. I can help that form 5 who’s being bullied because he comes off as gay (which is further complicated by the fact that any form of sex besides penile/vaginal intercourse is illegal here), or that student who wants to know how to make it through school when she feels all her motivation is gone. I can be that non-judgmental active listener, that I’ve never seen anywhere else in this country. A lot of the time, people just need validation, and I can give that. If that helps a student to succeed and in turn help or influence someone else in the future, I’ve made a sustainable impact. That’s what I have to hold onto.

Watch for my next post on cultural differences! (It is now available here.)

Home Sweet Home 2.0

This post is mostly to share photos of my new home. I love it here. My house already feels like home. My village is easy to walk in and my area is safe. I love my neighbors and my school. My placement is such a good fit for me. I’m so excited to start fresh here in Kanye/Kim.

I even have a real mattress coming as soon as we find transport for it from the school to my house. The current mattress is just like the one in the kghetto, just 3 inches of foam. Hopefully I get a new fridge soon. This one won’t freeze anything, so I actually use the freezer as a fridge and the fridge as slightly cooler than room temp storage. It’s a really old fridge that has definitely seen better days. I just hope my request for a new one doesn’t take too long. But, hey, I have a fridge for the first time in 3 months!

I’ve decided there’s no way I can handle a pet, so I named the lizard that keeps running around my house North. I really don’t mind him, except for the lizard poop he leaves under my dining room table.

I’m hoping to have a post for you next weekend about my school! Love you all!

Drum Roll, Please

I want to start this off by telling you all how sorry I am that I’ve been so bad about blogging. I am recommitting to blogging and am planning on a post a week from here on out! So here goes this week! The next one will be out sometime between the 13th and 18th, I promise!

It’s official! I have a new site. I’m moving to a place called Kanye. That’s right, like Kanye West. Just the name gives it an air of classy sophistication, am I right? As should be expected, I’ve already nicknamed it Kim and am considering getting a kitten and naming it Saint North. If you know what I’m referencing, I’m sorry, no one should have to waste precious brain space with this information. Kanye is the antithesis of Ralekgetho. So I’m anticipating a little culture shock when I move there. Although, it will be after 6 weeks of staying in the capital, so it may not be that crazy.

I’ve been to Kanye a few times. It’s very near Ralekgetho and I occasionally did grocery shopping there. But I really haven’t explored it. Ralekgetho is barely classified as a village with its population of only 400; Kanye is barely considered a village because of its population of 55,000. It’s the second largest village in Botswana. So naturally, it has many different resources and will come with many different challenges.

Instead of working in a primary school as I was in Ralekgetho, I’ll be working in a senior secondary school. SSS’s only have form 4 and form 5 students, so 11th and 12th grades. Due to the education system here, my students will range in age from 16-24 years old. I’m definitely going to have to hide my age here. Instead of working with 160 students like my primary school in Ralekgetho, I’ll be working with 1,600 students. My job description and projects have also changed quite a bit. I will be teaching guidance classes and holding office hours for counseling students. I’ll also be running most of the clubs that the guidance office is in charge of. As I haven’t started yet, I’m not completely sure of my full job description, but I officially move on the 13th and start work on the 15th. So I’ll know more about the school then.

In Ralekgetho, I was able to work at the clinic and basically see everyone in the village on a weekly basis. In Kanye, I doubt I will ever meet everyone in the village. Instead of an hour hitch hike to my grocery store, I have a thirty minute walk and the grocery store is actually way nicer and has more food options for all my crazy dietary restrictions. There are also many places to explore and hills! So I won’t just be in a hot dry desert anymore. There are actually green things in Kanye!

My house is also going to be an amazing change! Instead of a two and a half where everyone knows when I’ve left my bedroom because the only door goes to the outside, I’m going to have a two bedroom house with only a normal front and back door! No having to go outside to enter my kitchen, living room, or go to the bathroom! That’s right, I have indoor plumbing and running water!!! And from what I heard, it goes out far less than in neighboring villages! So that’s exciting. I also have a geyser, so I can have hot water and, wait for it, ELECTRICITY! That’s right, I went from what people call real Peace Corps to what people call Posh Corps. Not that I really believe there is such a thing as Posh Corps. Just because you don’t have the challenge of no fridge, electricity, or running water, doesn’t mean you don’t have other challenges. So yeah, I’m going to have a really great house and I’m super excited! I’m most excited to have privacy. In my old house, my landlords were constantly watching me, going through my garbage, waking me up (purposefully), complaining about my Setswana, and overall being extremely nosy in my American perspective. So I’m glad to have more privacy and not feel constantly judged!

That’s pretty much all I know about Kanye so far. I’m going to visit tomorrow, Sunday the 7th, to move in more of my stuff. I probably won’t write another post until after the 15th. That way I’ll have more info about the school to talk about. Ooh, I forgot what will be the most impactful part of the move for all of you, I’M GOING TO HAVE WIFI!! I have to learn some self control with that, so my plan is to limit how much messaging and Facebook that I do and then video chat with people more. So on the weekends, I’ll reserve some time to video chat. If you would like to Skype, FaceTime, or Facebook video chat one day, let me know. I probably won’t have it set up until some time in March though.

Lots of love from Bots! 💜

New Year, Fresh Start

Well, I probably should have written a post a while ago, but a lot has been happening and it took me a while to wrap my head around everything. I’ve been in Gabs for the past two weeks while I wait for training to start. If you read my last post, you know that I’ve been evicted and was in the process of getting a new home in my village. If you follow my Facebook, you know that I have since found out the house I was to move into has fallen through and now I am in Gaborone waiting to find a new village because they couldn’t find me any other housing in Ralekgetho. Now that the situation isn’t as fresh, I think it makes a funny story, but I’ll save that for when I get home.

So, anyway, I am not only houseless, but also villageless. A lot of people at this point have asked me why I’m staying. Many people have left and a lot of people here have said they would have left if they had to go through what I’ve been handling. It’s actually been kind of challenging staying in the hotel that the people who are ET-ing (Early Terminating) are also staying at. I spent two weeks listening to people tell me why they were going home and that they were surprised I would stay after dealing with the already challenging aspects of my village and then being evicted and having to relocate and people trying to decide if they want to stay or go home. This was especially hard because I was trying to actively listen and help them while they were talking themselves into leaving, staying, and then leaving again, without feeling like leaving myself.

The truth is, I have thought a lot about ET-ing, but in the perspective that it really isn’t something I want to do. It’s just one of those things that you have to consider when you’re in these situations here. When I first got evicted, I was upset and wondering if it was my sign that I wasn’t meant to be here, but that thought went away pretty quickly. There are of course reasons why I feel like I don’t need to be here. In a lot of ways, I feel like Peace Corps doesn’t really need to be in this country. I feel like we have been here long enough and that the country is developed enough that we aren’t really needed. In a lot of ways, I feel like Peace Corps is used in this country as a status symbol and a way for the country to get more funding. Most villages here request Peace Corps volunteers because they want to have an American (and are usually disappointed if they’re black) in their village. Of course this isn’t always the case and just because they don’t need us, doesn’t mean there isn’t stuff for us to do. However, I am also always questioning why I am here and whether I am perpetuating a stereotype that white people are smarter and therefore are the only people who can solve the problems in Africa. And why did I decide that I was qualified to come and help a country with a problem that I haven’t even studied? I don’t have a public health background. What kind of expertise do I have to really help the people of Botswana, that the people of Botswana don’t already have? Why can’t they help themselves? Even with all of these questions and internal struggles I have with myself, I’m not ready to go home.

I came here for more than this idealistic image that I was going to be some sort of savior. I came here to learn about another culture, help under privileged populations, learn about my culture through others eyes, process my own knowledge and opinions of my own culture, learn more about myself, make growth and positive changes for myself that I didn’t think were possible in the toxic environments in America, and broaden my horizons. I wanted to have knowledge and experience beyond my little American bubble so that I could understand more about what people in this world are going through and how they’re culture and views affect that.

In these nearly 6 months, I have learned so much about myself, America, and Botswana. I have grown in ways I wasn’t sure were possible. I’ve accomplished goals that I have been struggling with for years. And I’ve already touched people’s lives around me. I’m not ready to go home, because I’m not ready to stop this journey. I want to see how healthy I can get living in the desert without a car and eating a diet that is nearly all unprocessed foods. I want to see how many more mental health changes I can make to eliminate even more stress, anxiety, and insecurity. I want to challenge myself in ways that aren’t possible in America. I want to read fifteen books a month and not be falling behind on other stuff. I want to learn how to really live on my own, budget for myself, cook for one person without wasting food, and finally get some routine in my life. I want to use this opportunity for everything it’s worth.

My next village may have even fewer amenities than my last or it could have way more. Hey, maybe I’ll have running water and electricity. The village could speak more English than my last village did. It could have more infrastructure than my last village. Ooh, it might have some form of transportation besides hitch hiking in pickups that look like they may just break into a million pieces in the middle of the ride. Maybe my school will have more corporal punishment, or maybe it won’t exist. Maybe there will be more than one hundred students and seven teachers. It might even be a Junior or Senior secondary instead of a primary school. We really have no idea, but it also doesn’t matter. I didn’t come here to work with one specific population on one specific issue. I came here to work in Botswana wherever they needed me. Wherever I am, there will be challenges, but another word for challenge is OPPORTUNITY!! That’s all this is. It’s just an amazing opportunity to learn, grow, and make an impact in a different place. So, no, I’m not thinking of going home. Even if I wanted to, I have no money, so I would just be couch surfing until I got a job. Why not stay in a safe, secure, and beautiful place for two years and have a little more money and experience when I come home instead?

Food ready for meal on table

A New Home for the Holidays

A lot has happened this month and I have yet to document it. First off, I had a training in Ghanzi and got to live a week in a malaria zone! During that week I learned that the rash I’ve been developing has not been heat rash, but is instead something called Dermatitis Herpetiformis (I just call it DH). DH is a rash associated with Celiac Disease. So this confirms that I got my moms genetics and now every time I get into gluten (even trace amounts) I get this rash. Celiac is an autoimmune disease, so my body is essentially attacking itself instead of the gluten that it can’t process. It really sucks to find out that for the next 80 years of my life (yes, I’m planning to live to 102 like my great grandma) I won’t be able to eat any gluten, but it’s also kind of what I needed to get myself to stop eating it. I have a nasty habit of letting myself cheat and I doubt I would have ever reigned myself in well if I didn’t finally have something show me the severity of my condition. Right before figuring this out, I also decided I was very allergic to chicken eggs and have since confirmed that. So I can no longer eat any gluten or chicken eggs (if only there were ducks here in this landlocked desert country!). So that’s what’s been happening on the health front. I’ve also officially lost over 50 pounds since getting here, so that’s another step toward a healthier me!

After my training, I went back to my village. I was supposed to stay there from the second week of December all the way to Christmas Eve, but that changed a little when I got back. There is no school in December (it’s their summer break here), so I was spending most of my days spending a couple hours hanging out with my tutor/one of my only friends in the village/one of the only people who understands and speaks enough English to talk to me, and then watching a couple movies and reading a ton. So I was essentially doing nothing and it was quite nice, but a week before Christmas, I was laying in bed barely awake when my supervisor and the village councillor came to my house. They told me there was a problem with my rent and asked how long it would take me to pack my things up and move. I was shocked. My landlord hadn’t said anything to me (although, there is a huge language barrier there) and my supervisor never once said there was a problem brewing either. All I wanted to do was call someone because I was really freaking out, but I was expecting to be able to charge everything that day at the clinic, so all of my electronics and battery packs were dead. I had to just send my phone and charger with my supervisor and hurry up and pack.

I got all of my things packed and ready in 2 hours and then my supervisor and a few villagers helped me load everything in a trailer and move it to the school compound into a teacher’s house. The house was currently vacant because all of the teachers were gone for the festive season and the teacher who had lived in that house wasn’t returning. But as soon as the new teacher comes in January, I’ll have to be out of that house. My supervisor just kept saying he didn’t think there was a house in the village for me and they were probably going to send me to a new site. I called my Peace Corps program director and he was very helpful, but said he wouldn’t be able to come out until the next day and I just needed to sit tight.

So I spent a night in an unfamiliar house, terrified of these little beetles that have infested the school grounds (They lay on you and essentially pee. Their urine burns your skin and you have basically a chemical burn the size of a quarter. It’s horrifying.), hearing noises that sound like my door being opened, and sleeping with the light on and a can of Doom (bug spray) by my side in case I was attacked by these flying beetles. Needless to say, I got maybe 3 hours of sleep that night.

The next morning, my program manager and the volunteer liaison show up to talk to me and my supervisor. It turns out that it was a huge misunderstanding between my supervisor, landlord, and the Ministry of Education who pay my rent. So my landlord was frustrated and decided he wanted a different tenant and my supervisor overreacted and pulled me out without considering options. Luckily, my supervisor was able to find a new house for me though. So we went to see the new house, it’s beautiful! Way bigger, it’s going to have electricity, and it has so much more privacy than I had before. I’m very excited for it, but it, unfortunately, won’t be ready until late February, early March. So for the moment, I will be staying on the teacher compound, but moving to a smaller house so that two teachers can share the larger one I’m in right now. They may not love me for that, but I’m not supposed to live with someone. I think this really was a good thing because I was very uncomfortable in my old house (mostly just tolerating it because I thought it was my only option) and this new house is going to be amazing. And because this all happened the week before Christmas, I got to go to Bethany’s house early!

So now, let’s talk about Yule/Christmas! So I got to Bethany a week early, and unfortunately a day before my holiday package from my brother and mom arrived, so I couldn’t pick it up. We have just been chilling and hanging out. I helped her with some stuff at her school the first few days and then we’ve been celebrating our holidays in little spurts to make sure we don’t get too homesick. It’s hard to celebrate winter holidays in the summer. It’s just too hot and feels very strange. It’s also hard to do some things that you’ve always done with specific people. I tried to sit down and watch Scrooge and the whole time I felt like I should be sitting with my mom watching it. It just felt wrong, but we did make delicious feasts. Of course, they weren’t as big as they’d be in the states, but when you normally make as little as we do, they felt like feasts. I made my favorites on Yule and celebrated my holiday and Bethany made her favorites on Christmas Eve to celebrate some of her traditions. Everything came out perfectly and I’ve probably eaten as much in this last week as I did all of last month.

Bethany and I haven’t tried to kill each other yet! So that’s a major accomplishment. Although, we still have nearly a week together, so you never know what will happen. I was granted a small extension to stay here through the 2nd because there were some concerns about my safety on the school compound alone since the other teachers don’t come back until the weekend of the 2nd. It’s all just a precaution though and I’m sure once everyone is back in the village I’ll feel much safer and things will go back to normal. It’s just been a big emotional mess.

I’m excited to get back to my site and start the new year though! I have a feeling it’s going to be a great one! As always, I miss and love you all back home. And I hope you had the merriest of Christmases and happiest of Yules, Hanukkahs, and all other holidays. My next holidays here are New Years and then my 22nd in a couple of weeks. Happy New Year everyone!

It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

I hope you all laughed at that because it looks nothing like Christmas here. Although, in Letlhakeng where I was for the weekend they have a really bright white road and rocks and if you just squint right, it looks like snow. Then you also have to find a way to reconcile why it’s 95 degrees and it looks like there’s snow on the ground, but the world isn’t perfect, so you just have to do your best.

The weather is one of the biggest factors for why it doesn’t feel like the holiday season. It’s too hot, dry, and sunny for me to feel like drinking hot cocoa and preparing for a turkey slaughter. Obviously, those aren’t going to be part of my holidays for these two years, but they’re just a few of the things I took for granted back in America.

The holidays come with a lot of homesickness and that’s OK. They should, it means I have something at home worth missing and that is the most beautiful thing that I will never take for granted again. I want to acknowledge my homesickness, because as John Green so eloquently wrote, “pain demands to be felt”, but I also want to acknowledge that my homesickness is just one small part of my experience and I have so much to be grateful for here. I had a whole post written about my cynicism, annoyances, and homesickness, but in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I decided to write this one about what I’m grateful for instead. That doesn’t mean I won’t be posting a cynical one in the future, but you all get a small reprieve from my negativity for now 😊

So here are the many things I am grateful for this year:

My family. Both blood and built. I’m grateful for all of you and wouldn’t be where I am without you. I especially want to thank my mom and brother and two best friends Melanie and Bethany for all of the support they’ve given me through this adventure. My whole Peace Corps family is amazing and Thanksgiving was a little more bearable after we made an amazing Thanksgiving feast complete with turkey, mashed potatoes, glazed carrots, peach crisp, and much more.

I’m thankful for hot showers and bath tubs. I don’t have either in my house, so when I’m off to a training or visiting a volunteer with more amenities, I am sure to be in the shower/bath at least once a day.

I’m grateful that my school has electricity and I’m able to charge things there. I really only miss having my own electricity occasionally. I’ve grown very used to it already.

I’m grateful for my health and that I am able to just keep getting healthier. I’ve lost 50 pounds since getting here and can already feel the small changes that makes. I still have a ways to go to be to the physical fitness and health I want to be at, but I’m grateful that I’m able to make healthy and positive changes.

I’m grateful for my literacy. I can’t imagine not being able to read. Which brings me to my gratefulness of books. Books can bring you into such an alternate universe, and make you feel an amazing array of emotions. I’ve read 40 books since getting here and it has truly helped with my homesickness.

I’m grateful for the people in my village who really want me there and are making positive changes already. Even though it seems my supervisor is not at the same level of distaste for corporal punishment, my counterpart may be able to still help me abolish it. When I first met with my counterpart, he didn’t think we would be able to eliminate corporal punishment, or that any of the teachers were at fault for the poor results of the school. It’s very common here to blame the students, saying that they aren’t trying to learn, so how can the teachers teach them. Since that meeting though, he has brought up eliminating corporal punishment in a staff meeting with no provocation from me and told the teachers during a test results discussion that they must be doing something wrong and they all need to reevaluate their teaching strategies. These two small changes are huge here! I’m so happy that after only 2 months of knowing my counterpart, I’ve been able to plant little seeds of change.

I’m grateful for a roof over my head, and water to keep me hydrated. That’s more than a lot of people have and I am extremely lucky to have both.

I’m thankful for my resilience, openness to change, and drive. I know my drive can seem extreme and overwhelming at times, but it has helped me accomplish so much in my life. I am extremely happy to always be motivated for positive change.

I am grateful for the earth and how much shit it puts up with from us humans. I only hope I can help to protect it as much as possible in my short life.

I’m grateful for the insanity of time. Even when I think time is going to move so slowly and I’m going to be somewhere forever, I look at the date and realize I’ve been here 4 months. Time here is very different than at home because life here is so different, but I love that it’s been 4 months and that I still have 23 left.

I’m thankful for a lot of small things that makes America my home and I can’t wait to be home, but I’m also so grateful for this experience. It was definitely not the Thanksgiving I’m used to, but homesickness or not, I’m really happy here. I love that I’m doing something so out of the box and even if it’s not everything I thought it would be, it’s life changing.